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4:40 a.m. - 2018-10-22
Happy Birth Month -- Stress over work, leisure, & life
“How'd I wind up here again?
It's like I'm always getting…” emo in my head.

I hope you don't mind the tweak to your lyrics, Three Days Grace. Mmmn, Matt Walst, let me be a grody groupie hookup.

Okay, I'm deflecting. Guess I needed some levity.

I'd totally be up for it though. High probability, I think. XD;;

It's October, aka birthday month, aka the time of year I'm guaranteed to brood. I thought this year I'd be too preoccupied by other life things to fall into this trap, but I guess my mind was simply binding its time. The “life things” would be starting a new job. Because I have amazing luck, I was laid off from my second company of employment in a row out of the three I worked for in total. Such a weird coincidence too, since I'd been with both those places about four years before getting the ax. At least landing my current job was so easy it was practically given to me. My old company negotiated to help any of my teammates who wanted to continue captioning get hired with the new one. I'm definitely glad for the opportunity, but it's been a change. I used to be a night shifter and would hit up these kava and kratom tea bars that are everywhere around the area my job was located after clocking out. Those late hours were mine to unwind and just be chill, maybe catch up on writing or lit mag stuff. Everyone at home would be asleep, so I didn't worry about if I was ditching anyone. The new gig is remote, so I went from commuting to and from work about 45 minutes each way to hardly driving myself anywhere anymore. I feel cooped up fairly frequently. I'm glad working from home means I can be more helpful and available to my family, but I miss that free “me” time I used to have. This weekend it got to where I vowed to make the drive to one of my old bar haunts, so here I am at stupid early o'clock when morning shifters are getting ready to head out. Not the wisest idea, but today was a better time than any day approaching to get this in. I just really needed it, you know?

It probably wouldn't be so bad, but I'm pretty bogged down. I've got lit mag submissions to read, which at least I've almost fulfilled my monthly quota. There's a book I have to read and review, and I'm dreading it because lol, when am I ever confident in my writing? I'm not really into the novel either, so I keep putting off reading it and when I do it feels like a chore. Submission day for the write-up is end of this month, and I'm only just over halfway done. I think I can finish it in time, but writing it is going to take days of scribbling, scratching out, and toiling over it over and over and hating every word I spit out before the editor has to figure out how to make sense out of my garbage. I've considered resigning, but I’d feel like a jerk bailing on them before the trial period is up. Some part of me hopes after my third review that the website I'm doing this for decides I'm not a good fit for them and cuts me loose, sparing me from the guilt of doing it myself. When I took the position up, I wasn't so busy and I was feeling extra low about not having professional published credit to my career, so I figured this was my shot. I saw this as an opportunity that I needed that seemed up my alley in interests. But it's turned into more stress than I anticipated because it drags my insecurities to the surface. Am I insightful and cultured enough? Is my writing any good for this? Once I'm done with this I'm sure a good chunk of weight will come off my shoulders, but getting to that point is mentally laborious.

The actual job, it's a good gig. I'm still in the training phase. My mentors tell me my performance is where I'm expected to be, that I'm not going to be amazing right away, but guess what? Of course I subconsciously put pressure on myself to rock it, but I'm not. I feel like I suck, and my scores on each transcript I grade gradually get worse. I don't want to blow this gig. I'll never find a job as quickly and easily as I did this one, and when they were recruiting me they insisted I was more than qualified. So I really don't want to let them down, and thus myself and trickles down to my family. Supposedly I'm doing fine, but I still get so down about it because from what I've gleaned of my co-workers’ performances they're doing better than I am. I feel like such a flunkie. The sooner I can get to what's considered passing grade performance, the more I can just get a grip and relax. That just doesn't feel like it's coming fast enough.

So all that, plus the natural emo that comes with turning a year older and mulling over when will I ever feel successful in my career aspirations and why can't the Circle ever be repaired, built up to a point where taking the roads of my old commute made me well up in my chest and almost cry. Change is hard, and I'm not good at adapting to it. Revisiting the recent past was nostalgic and overwhelming. I'm still at the bar sipping my delicious tea but intermittently shaking with anxiety from being out when I feel like I shouldn't be and well, everything I just babbled on about. And then I feel like a jerk for whining internally about my “troubles” when I'm sure Sis has it way harder. She's working for the first time in years of staying home with the kids. There are times she doesn't get to tuck them into bed because of a late shift. Adjusting to this new routine has to be rough. It's so much of a bigger change than what I'm dealing with, and I feel like I don't have a right to complain and wanting and doing so is selfish of me. But I'm happy for her, proud. She's doing something new for the family and herself after all this time on hold. All I could ever want for them is to be happy and moved out to wherever not stuck here in Florida will make them happy.

I'm antsy. I feel like I have more to journal about, but I can't think of what, and I've probably ranted more than enough as it is. Should maybe wrap it up here, then. Peace, yo. Until.... lol, who knows when?


PS: Teatender on duty’s kinda cute and my type, if I have one? But I don't date and he's prob way younger than me because despite my young appearance and maturity level, I'm an old hag of a Millennial these days. Ew, I can't believe I was a teenager when I started this account, and now I'm in my early 30s with a bday on the horizon. Gross. Why did I even write this P(o)S section? O.o;;

Previous Page or Reread Pages

Happy Birth Month -- Stress over work, leisure, & life - 2018-10-22
Try as I might to keep it together -- The (no) good, bad, and the weird - 2017-08-04
Girl just wants to have fun -- Cons, anxiety, and lack of self-worth, I guess - 2016-12-18
Naked and afraid -- confusion abounds and in every permutation - 2015-03-25
Waste of space -- Job hunts, family concerns, confidence issues, and incapacities in being part of an "item" - 2014-05-20

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